The Casual Male Friend

(disclaimer: use of terms "boy" "man" and "guy" are used interchangeably/stylistically in most places; not a commentary on the state of manhood or a slam on particular males I know.)

It's not my fault that none of my friends had brothers.

Somewhere between Nicky and Ryan, in those five years between 1988 and 1994, no one my mother knew gave birth to a son.

It wasn't on purpose. I don't blame anyone. But from an early age, I lacked the skill it took to talk to a boy who was the same age as me. Add on the that the natural boy-hating, anythingyoucandoIcandobetter attitude of any eight-year-old girl, and the male species did not even show up on my radar.

***

It took until I was twelve to fall into a new social circle. New families, new faces. And a select few new boys. Naturally, at the rate I was going, the first boy who spoke to me, directly, making eye contact, more than once, was going to the one to fall in love with. But I was not to be Joel's soul mate. And along with the burgeoning crush, any chance of actually befriending a nice, decent boy was gone. I could have tried to befriend his twin brother, but I didn't. So there went the middle school years, and I wasted the opportunity to get to know boys as friends, as humans, as more than (to be quite blunt) objects of potential future marriage and mating.

Through high school every boy I met still was a mystery. I did not know how they worked. I did not have first hand experience with them. They were something I was familiar with, but intensive inspection could not replace an instruction manual. At this time I started going to a church with more than a dozen boys "my age." I spoke to them casually before and after service. I went to youth group a few times. One of them, Charlie (now married), was the first boy I've ever liked for himself, independently of falling in love with him. But I could never get past the initial terror that boys were not girls and actually attempt to be their friend.

My first friend who was a boy turned into my first boyfriend, and still is my friend who is a boy.

***

But to backtrack in all of this, I was not friendless. I had girlfriends. In fact, I will go so far as to say I was quite popular as a kid, with a grand total of four girls claiming me as their "best friend" at one point. I love girls, and now, women. I love our personalities and our loyalty and our diversity and our ability to be honest and dive in. (Confession: men still confuse me.)

It puts me off to hear a girl say she is only friends with boys because she "doesn't like girls." I don't even know what that's suppose to mean. I am a girl's girl. I need to be able to make casual and slightly creepy passes about men, often. I have learned that doesn't really work while hanging with guys. I like being able to make casual and slightly gross comments about my menstrual cycle. I get the feeling casual male friends would not appreciate that. If I have 45 minutes to spare and I'm in Manhattan, I usually find a Macy's or a Bed Bath & Beyond, so I can look at crockery. I talk about babies. I talk about my eating habits. I can be a nightmarish stereotype. I am a girl's girl.

That being said, there are times when I am jealous of my girl friends with boy friends. One of my good friends is a boy's girl. She loves me, but apart from that, a vast majority of her friends are men. She hangs out at bars with guys. She is one-of-them. I am not. And will never be. "I just want a casual male friend!" This was my mantra. Even now, having somehow obtained a few of those coveted male friends, I will never be that girl at the bar with all the guys. Even now, if I mention the same (male) name more than three times in my house, my family assumes I have an ill-fated crush on him. (The problem is I usually do.)

***

My dad is famous for believing that men and women can't be friends. I don't know if that is true, but I am beginning to believe that it might be. At least, I doubt I will ever have a male friend (who I'm not married to) who will be a close companion and stay in my life for as long as some of my girl friends have been around. People grow closer together and further apart as their situations in life change. Right now I might be in a situation where I can have closer male friends, but I'm sure that will change with age.

While desperately trying to aquire casual male friends, I've learned not to not force it. I like having more men in my life, though I don't really think a male best friends is for me. But I like men. They've fun to be around, they're fun to talk to and have lunch with. They're great coworkers and classmates. I can go to the out with men and have coffee with them and talk about whatever. It doesn't feel strange anymore.

To finish this off, it has been in church where I have made most of my male friends. Single men. (Although there's not many of those left, everyone is coupling off like mad.) Guys with girlfriends. (Like Raleigh, one of the best people I've ever met just in general.) Married men. (My pastors are my friends! And Martin Fern.) These friendships are ones that are rooted in our being a family. A church family, where everyone has each other's best interests in mind. Where there is no pressure. And those are the most natural and pleasant sort of friendship I can imagine having with a man. Those friendships, I hope, are ones to last.